I spend more hours searching online is god real? is there an afterlife? More than I spend time with humans. I search for god but I don't search for it in others. I don't watch myself grow, I watch myself sink and I watch myself cry and I watch myself watching myself live in this horrible search engine in my head. I think I use death as a coping mechanism for my loneliness. I realize that I will die just as any other flower melts away but I won't accept the fact that I will never exist again. I feel so alone in this lifetime that if I were to die my entire existence would have never mattered in the first place. The food I ate, the shoulders I've brushed, the doors I have opened will never matter. It's crazy to think you could pass someone on the road the day they die and you will never remember them again. I'd like to think there is a god and I'd like to think we don't die alone but there is no evidence and there will never be any evidence and we can spend our entire lives wishing for the best or we can spend time with others who love you but it's really hard for me because I do not feel loved and I will always feel alone.
Track Name: Nobody will mourn for me
When I go anywhere I just really feel stuck. I don't feel normal, I wish I could go out and just be. I feel nothing but pain for all of the things I haven't felt and I feel pain for all of the things I will never feel. I don't feel important and I don't feel like I matter. It's hard to wake up to an empty life and an empty place with an empty mind. I could create a life and I could make so many more but it doesn't matter because I will forget the life as soon as I remember the aching one I have now. When I die there will be no memories. I am nothing and I wish I could fully be in love with this world but I can't be in love with something anymore that never loved me back.
Track Name: Maybe just cause I was lonely
I am so empty I just want someone to fuck me it's so pathetic being a virgin. I hate knowing nobody has touched me in a way everyone has been touched. Sometimes I feel like I am not supposed to be touched and that I am here to just feel other peoples sadness and I am just supposed to watch lives without ever fulfilling mine. I made out with someone once and it wasn't magical, it was the feeling you get when the flavor leaves your gum and it was the feeling of a movie ending. It was the feeling of a book with words that nobody can say because nobody ever listens. I didn't feel anything and I think I will never feel anything . I don't mind living and helping others, I used to ask to just die because I wasn't living to live I was just here watching people kiss, seeing lips fall on others while mine have never felt love. I was here watching porn and I know people watch it to get off but I watch it to see how they feel. She wants to be loved and he wants to be loved and their fingers tell the story that no newspaper could ever cover. I now know that I have to live so that I can feel these things but I am so scared that it is too late.
Track Name: Loneliness has followed me my whole life
I feel unimportant in many ways. Not just the lonely version, the version where I sit alone in my house waiting for a stranger to come pick me up and take me to the forest because that would be a dream come true and most of my dreams are filtered nothings that disintegrate the moment my eyes open. It’s not just the version of me doing things I truly enjoy in the world and having nobody notice, although I can admit it is painful to watch my passion fade away with the ghost of an audience not even paying attention. It’s not just in those ways, but in every way you could feel, touch, see, smell or hear. If I ever am important I’ll be sure to yell it from the rooftops but for now I am empty and there are no stairs for me to climb because I am melting on these rocks.
Track Name: I think about dying everyday
I used to hold paper bags over my head and the first time was for 2 seconds. The next time it was 5 and it kept going until I reached the point that my mouth would say goodbye and I would be so close but I kept stopping and stopping and I just felt so useless like I couldn't even kill myself right. I don't talk to anyone here so I talk to my dog a lot. I used to cry on the floor with him and just wish for death and it scares me to think how many times I have actually wished for death. I know it's nothing special and I know I'm nothing special but I just want to make something important for someone out there. I want to die and give away parts of me to fill someone else. I want to make someone feel the passion I've always wanted to feel and it's so painful to know I can't. It really hurts that I can not breathe. I am in water, I am waiting for my mouth to say goodbye and sometimes it doesn't even say that. Sometimes I just want to go with no goodbye because who would say it back. If god is real he wouldn't say it, I know he wouldn't because I would be able to see him for eternity. If he isn't real then there is nothing for me and I will have lived as nothing and died for nothing but sometimes it just gets to the point where I have to push myself deeper into the water because I know I am meant for more but I don't know if that more is here or not.